An open note to Seattle drivers

When entering a freeway you must be at or near freeway speed by the bottom of the ramp if you wish to merge with traffic already on the freeway. Remember it's called a "merge", which means to combine (this being the key) with the existing traffic. The entrance lanes are provided in order to allow you get up to a reasonable speed in order to merge onto the freeway. They are not in place in order for you to send a text message, change the CD in the player, sight-see, or contemplate the meaning of life. Please utilize these lanes for their intended purpose.

Attempting to merge when moving significantly slower than the existing traffic will result in A) a large backup on the freeway or B) you becoming the hood ornament on a Kenworth. Going 30MPH until the entrance lane ends and then hitting your brakes when you realize that traffic is moving more than twice as fast as you will not help the situation. Additionally, when your speed is so ridiculously slow, it creates similar problems for everyone behind you on the entrance ramp.

This applies generally to all Seattle drivers but specifically to drivers of Hondas and Volkswagons.

The Christian gene

Funny... Maybe there can be a treatment developed for this so that it can cured, or possibly even prevented before birth.

Scenes from Sunday afternoon

Summer has returned to Seattle so it made a good excuse to get the boat out again. Here are a few pics from the day.

Note the lack of wind...

Anthony helping put everything away. He's still figuring it all out.

A gratuitous shot of me.

What's in a trillion...?

I ran across this post where the author was discussing how to comprehend one trillion of anything. I found it somewhat interesting and decided to ruminate on it a bit. The number of a trillion is so large that it's almost incomprehensible. In the post he writes:

One trillion seconds ago anatomically modern humans were successfuly competing with the last bands of neandertals in ice age Europe; One-trillion minutes ago there were no modern humans at all and fire was still a million years in our hominid ancestors' future; One-trillion hours ago our direct ancestors were rat-like nocturnal insectivores hiding in cozy daytime burrows from allosaurs and raptors; One-trillion days ago there were no animals at all, but bacterial collectives had begun working together in communities that that would one day be called protozoa. And one-trillion years ago ... well there was no one trillion years ago as that would predate the observed beginning of time and space many times over.

So, I started doing a little math (yeah, I had time on my hands this morning) and 1 trillion seconds equals 31,546 years. One trillion hours is 277,777,778 years. That's a huge amount of time coming out of what seems to be a very commonly used number these days. Our government is tossing out budget and expenditure numbers in the trillions and we're just supposed to shrug it off like it's a typical ATM withdrawal. The politicians seem to think that we should easily be able to comprehend that kind of number but there's nothing to compare such a number to other than interstellar travel and that's not always comprehensible either. The current US national debt is $9.58 trillion dollars. So, if everyone in the US right now gave $1 a day to towards the deficit, and both the deficit and population remained at their current levels, it would take 86 years to pay it off. The problem is that the deficit is growing at a rate of $1.88 billion dollars a day so we'd have to put forth a lot more than $1 a day.

I suppose I need a point here, and that point is that we're in such a deep hole now I can't see how we could ever get out of it. Certainly not in my lifetime. Maybe the government needs to put these trillion dollar numbers into terms that are more human-scaled, but I also can't see that happening in my lifetime.

I am...

I was tagged for this (along with everyone else on his blog roll!) by Romach.

I am: an eternal optimist.
I think: way too much for own good sometimes.
I know: that change will come soon, and it will be a good change.
I have: everything I need in life, and then some.
I wish: that people would learn to get along and stop hurting each other.
I hate: beets, rude people, and snakes.
I miss: the life I had when I was 17.
I fear: being alone my entire life, or drowning (pick one).
I hear: train whistles at home when the wind is just right.
I smell: like me.
I crave: eggs and ham right now.
I search: for knowledge anywhere I can find it.
I wonder: what's next after this existence.
I regret: not helping the blind woman on campus years ago who needed help with directions.
I love: my husbands.
I ache: when my partner cries because his depression makes him so unhappy.
I am not: one to run away from a challenge.
I dance: like a straight white boy.
I sing: only when no one else is around.
I cry: when someone I care about disregards my feelings.
I fight: whenever someone I care about is being threatened or hurt.
I win: not very often. I'm not competitive.
I lose: my mind about every 4 days.
I never: lose control of my temper even when I'm really furious.
I always: never say always.
I confuse: when someone withholds facts that are required to complete a story.
I listen: to a fault. I'm often overly critical of the way things are said.
I can usually be found: sitting in front of my computer during the day.
I am scared: that the Republicans will again steal the 2008 US presidential election.
I need: very little really. But, someone who wants to protect me instead of me protecting him would be nice.
I am happy about: having two husbands whom I love very much.
I imagine: that life won't always have so many challenges.
I tag: anyone who wants to do this. I won't assign it to anyone!

Lazy Saturday morning, pointless blog post

I should be more fully awake by now (it's almost 9:00) but I'm not even close. I'm on my second large mug of tea and the caffeine hasn't even kicked in yet. You'd think I was out partying last night or something, but in reality it was just four of us at dinner. Anthony wanted to take his good friend out for her birthday and we had Italian food. We were home and I was in bed by 11:00, so why do I feel like I need 4 more hours of sleep. Oh, I'll bet it's the old creeping up on me...that has to be it.

I love and hate lazy days like this. I love them in that it's nice to not have anything to do, but I hate them in that I feel like I should be doing something. I look around and see all sorts of chores that could/should be done but I don't want to do any of them. I'm anxious to take the boat out sailing but today is supposed to be not as warm as tomorrow and cloudy, so I think we'll wait until then.

So there's been some movement with treating Jayson's depression. We've been working on finding a temple (Hindu) where he could have a "retreat" to help with his depression. The idea is that he can reconnect to his spirituality, break out of the cycle of stress and depression at home by removing the stressors, and have some structure in his day, all while being surrounded by caring and compassionate people. He's found a temple in Houston that has a place for him to stay and he seems to feel a connection to the guru who runs it. So, I think that's what is going to happen. I really believe it can help him, and it will provide a nice break for me. I will miss him while he's gone, but it will also be nice not worrying about what's happening at home when I'm not here. I can use my own stress reduction and hopefully this will help us all. Now, to figure out when he's going. I'm sure Jayson will write more about this in greater detail on his blog.

I think that's all I've got right now. I feel like I should have some sort of fascinating content or amusing Youtube video, but this is all I got!

A little of this, a little of that

Despite my best intentions I still can't seem to post here more than once a week. I guess I should stop complaining about it and just accept it as fact. I'm afraid that a big part of the reason is that I feel like I keep repeating the same complaints about life ad nauseum. But it's up to you all to decide if you want to keep reading or not!

So what's been happening lately...? Like I said, more of the same. Jayson's depression continues to dominate things at home. It's an interesting roller coaster ride, although I wish there were more ups than downs. We went away for Jayson's birthday to a place in Long Beach, WA that we enjoy. It's an inn we've been to so many times that it feels more like visiting relatives than going to a hotel or B&B. Unfortunately Jayson was on a downhill spin that weekend so he wasn't able to enjoy it as much as I had hoped. There's always next birthday I figure.

Speaking of birthdays, mine is happening next week and I'll hit 40. I certainly don't feel it, and I'm not sure if that's good or bad. I've certainly matured the last year or so, and maybe it was about time. I still don't feel 40, although the grey hair certainly indicates my age. I don't mind since the grey seems to work for me. I'm actually not minding getting older; I feel like I'm finally becoming the person I've been meant to be but couldn't be due to lack of age/wisdom. I know 40 isn't exactly old, but getting older, at least to this point, is highly underrated. Of course I realize that on all the gay sites in the world I'll suddenly become anathema when my age shows up. To be honest, I'm not too worried and won't feel like I'm missing anything!

I've been informed that we're going to San Francisco the weekend after my birthday, which should be a lot of fun. It's been a few years since I've been there, and Anthony hasn't really explored the city much at all. We have nothing planned yet specifically but I'm really looking forward the trip.

I've been working on the diesel engine on the boat: at anything approaching cruising speed the engine overheat alarm goes off, even though it's not hot. So, I've been playing diesel mechanic to figure that out and it's been kind of fun. I've replaced anything on there that can be easily replaced dealing with the cooling system and I hope to get it out for a test run this weekend. I'd also like to do some sailing...the weather is forecast to be great so it would be nice to get out and enjoy it a bit.

I think that's all I've got right now. I believe that I'm stuck in a rut, but what to do to get out of it?

G. W. Bush is Batman

Or at least that's what Andrew Klavan thinks. How far up GW's butt has Andrew been able to get his head? Pretty damn far it sounds like. Those poor conservatives...they just can't get recognition in Hollywood and have to hide their pure and obviously correct message behind a mask of fantasy. Maybe it's because if the conservative message is broadcast in the open in movies the moviegoers, like the majority of the country now does, will realize that it's complete and utter bullshit. Yeah, I'm sure the makers of The Dark Knight were trying desperately in some way to pay homage to Bush. That had to be at least one reason they wanted to make the movie. I'm sure making boatloads of money had nothing to do with it.

George Bush as Batman? Not hardly. Andrew Klavan as whiny victim and dumbass? Definitely.

Secularphobia

A resounding "Yes" to what this guy has to say...I think he's exactly right. I've never been one for organized religion and in the last few years it seems to have become more dangerous than ever in my lifetime as it continues to try to infiltrate governments and make itself part of everyone's lives. It's interesting that he mentions the Netherlands; I was recently talking to someone who lives in Amsterdam who was telling me that while the city used to be a safe haven for gays it's not so much anymore. There's apparently a large population of young muslim men who have no problem assaulting gay men and women, merely because they're gay, because being gay goes against their religion. Very sad actually.

Pat Condell's web site is worth checking out, as are his other videos. You can get to those others by clicking the phonebook-looking icon in the player.

And we're back...

Update: OMG this is long. You have been warned.

Like the tides, my posting here ebbs and floods. Lately it's ebbed to the point of being completely non-existent, but I finally decided I felt like I wanted to write something. For the last couple of weeks I'd have ideas pop into my head about what I could say, but they quickly lost their luster before I even got started. It's been 5 weeks since I wrote anything here so of course things have happened. I'm not sure where to start and how to keep this from turning into something so long everyone loses interest before the middle. Since I can't figure out how to keep that from happening, I'll just type. I think I'll start with the good stuff...

My wonderful friend Rick came to visit the last weekend of June. He had wanted to see the Seattle Men's Chorus concert with Leslie Jordan. There ended up being five us at the concert, plus someone I work with so we had a private box. The show was quite good, and Leslie Jordan was as entertaining as I had expected (if not more so). After a post-show dinner we returned to the car to find that the driver's side window had been smashed out and someone broke into Rick's rental car. Fortunately all they got was his prescription sunglasses and my key ring. We joked about some thug stumbling around the neighborhood in glasses he can't see out of trying my clicker on every Ford in a 1/4 mile radius. Sadly, his glasses will cost some to replace, as will my truck key; the electronics in modern car keys means that dealers can charge an arm and a leg. Even more sad for is that I had a small miniature screwdriver on the key ring that my step-father had carried since the 60's. It went to me when he died and I'm sad that it's gone.

For the rest of the weekend we mostly just lazed around the house, which was fun in itself. You see, Rick and I never run out of things to talk about. We could both be in comas in a shared hospital room and we'd find a way to chat about something, anything. Sunday we decided to get off our butts and headed to the boat. The new headsail was finally in place and we got the boat away from the dock for the first time in a long time. We didn't do a lot of sailing, but it was still fun. I miss Rick when he's not around and always enjoy the time when he is.

I spent my entire weekend last weekend on the boat, and I have to say I really missed it. I did some engine maintenance on Saturday and then Sunday Anthony and I washed the outside (it needed it, desperately) and then went sailing. We were only out for about an hour, but it was a beautiful day. Anthony really got his first taste of sailing and he seemed to love it. He was like a little kid just having a blast out there. It made me smile a lot seeing how much fun he had. He's also taking an active interest in running the boat and taking care of it and I'm happy for that. He did a little bit of everything while we were out, including pulling away from the dock and bringing the boat back in. Jayson enjoys the boat, but operating it is not his favorite thing so it's nice to have Anthony there to do those things.

I'm looking forward to using the boat a lot more this summer. Only problem is that we have something amiss with the diesel engine. After it runs above 2500 RPM for about 5 minutes, the coolant alarm goes off. The engine isn't overheating so I'm not sure what's wrong. That was part of what I was trying to figure out on Saturday. Luckily a friend in town is a professional diesel mechanic and he's offered to help diagnose. It's good to have friends like that!

So now onto the bad stuff. Jayson's depression is as bad as it's ever been. He's been on a leave of absence from work because of it in fact. He thought being away from work would help, but it's actually had the opposite effect, probably because he doesn't have that much to occupy his time. Meds have only been partially successful. He's had some good weeks but then seems to slide downhill again. He's changed meds a few times trying to find the right combination, but each change requires a lot of waiting to see if they will have an effect; sometimes they can take up to 4 weeks to even begin to show any changes.

In addition to the meds there are obvious emotional issues that need to be dealt with. He's currently seeing a psychiatrist for the meds and a counselor for the emotional aspects. The counselor and psychiatrist both agree that the depression seems to have been made worse by chronic anxiety that was never fully addressed over the years. He's usually unable to sleep most of the night, often finally coming to bed at 3:00AM or later. Of course he's then exhausted the next day which doesn't help his overall mood. If he sleeps during the day then he's perpetuating the cycle of not sleeping at night. Sleeping meds seem to do almost nothing.

As one of the persons trying to care for him and help him get better, it's difficult, frustrating, challenging, and exhausting. As with anyone who's suffering from an illness, it's almost impossible for him to talk about much else. That's all that's on his mind, and it's overwhelming for me at times. The best description I can give is that for those of us caring for someone with depression, the person is an emotional black hole. No matter how much care and concern goes out, almost none comes back. It's not that he doesn't want to give it back, he's just not capable.

14 months of watching the person you care for vanish and be replaced by what I can only describe as a shell is mentally, physically, and emotionally draining. The best way I can describe it is that the person I met 11 years ago and knew and loved is gone. It's as if a new entity has taken over his body, and in fact it has; the entity is depression and it has really replaced my partner with a different person in the same body. Imagine if someone you cared for died and then an identical twin, albeit one with a very different personality, appeared. It would be very difficult to be around that twin and not grieve over the person you lost. I remain hopeful that between the meds, counseling, and lifestyle changes the person I know is still in there and will re-emerge.

Anthony and I have begun going with him to his counselor visits and I don't know if that's helping or not. We can point out some things that we see that Jayson isn't aware of and I think that's helping the counselor make some decisions that will ultimately help him. It's helping us a little bit in that we get to talk about things with the counselor there and hopefully figure out some better ways to deal with this. Anthony must be struggling being so new to things, but he's sticking with it. I know he's been a big help to me in a lot of ways. It's a difficult thing to deal with, and I know because I've been doing it for over a year now. I've lost contact with friends because I just get tired of talking about negative things all the time (I hope they understand if they're reading this), my work performance has suffered, we stopped using the boat and doing fun things, etc. But, the depression takes not only from the person who's dealing with it but from everyone around. Anthony seems to understand that and is coping as best he can I think. I'm able to help him because of my experience with it, he helps me by taking some of the emotional and daily stresses off me as well as providing an understanding ear, and we are both hopefully more able to help Jayson.

OK, that's a lot of negative stuff. Life isn't all bad, even though I could make it sound that way. I'm looking forward to enjoying the summer, taking a couple of trips both in the car and on the boat, and also enjoying leisurely sails in the boat. And maybe I'll have more to talk about on here too.